Dear God,
It's me..Chrissy..
I don't know what to say to you.. I feel so alone and untouched.. In the woods forgotten..
My heart is broken.. My emotions, numb. I feel dead..Like life is just pretend.
Lord.. I need you now. Heal me..Fix me.
This is me Lord..
I am on my knees..
I surrender.
I surrender...do you hear me??
I give my life to you.. I am yours.
Why do i feel so alone? Why does my heart keep breaking..why do i keep giving into false hope i make up in my own mind, Lord?
Why can't i just..let go? I have so many questions..
These thoughts run through my mind constantly, especially before i sleep..and i never get answers, it seems..
I am in so much pain, that i can't even feel it..There are no more tears to cry.
I feel like all these sturdy walls of love, life, hope..they are all falling apart all around me..
Put me back together, Lord..help me let go..
Point my heart in the right direction.. Help me retrieve my heart and give it ALL to you.
I need a savior.. I need you.
Repair me. Open my eyes..Show me the way..
You're the only one who can.
Help me not only hear Lord..But listen.
Not only look, Lord..But see..
Lord, i am on my knees tonight..
Full of pain and false hope..
Knowing i will keep giving in..and wishing i would just stop..
Wishing i can just..let go..
Lord, i surrender tonight..
Help me stick to this..
Give me strength and knowledge..Give me your words to speak..
I need hope..I need faith..I need love..
I need you.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Family.
When i was 12 years old, i was placed in a foster home.
I was raised in more than one environment..Hotels, camping, trailer, a house for about 2 years..a "fixer upper". I was used to not having a dishwater or any water at all. I was used to no electricity and ciphering gas out of other vehicles in the junk yard. It was my life. It was my families life..and i had no complaints.
As i got older, my mother began to date and she had boyfriend on and off. It was nothing new to me. I was the mommas girl out of the three sisters i had, and i loved helping her fix things and go grocery shopping. She was my hero, my love. These boyfriends of hers got in the way often, helping her do things instead of me. So, i decided to get a job at age 11. I started picking blackberries and raspberries and selling them. Business was good for an 11 year old, about $35 a week. Not bad for no bills or responsibilities. I fell in love with it, and ended up spending most of my days in fields picking them while my three sisters went to play with the boys across the field.
I never had friends when i was young really, because i always stayed home and helped my mom. So i had all this time to myself. It was nice, i guess. But, i missed having my mom to myself..bad.
Things went downhill and her boyfriend and her would fight constantly, not doing a good job of hiding it..Then, eventually there would be physical fights, where us girls would get hurt. It was a rough part of my childhood, yes, but i would never ever look down on my mother for it. It was not her fault her boyfriends were crazy and liked to hit, right? It wasn't her fault that she was so in love with them that she let them come back each time, right? Wrong..and it took me 5 years to realize that. 5 years..No longer little Chrissy anymore.
When i think of her i think of all the fun times i had with her. Helping her at roofing jobs and fixing up the cars. I don't think about the boyfriends who hit, the hotels we had to live in, the no electricity so we would go to school with 2 different shoes on. I don't think about the bad..because all the bad is what made me who i am today. All the bad i had to face when i was younger and made such an impact on me, i learn from it each and every day. I know what not to do when my lil' guy comes..i know how to say no, and set boundaries now..
I forgave her..it took so much to do so. I felt like she was a fake, someone who was just pretending to be my hero, yet got my sisters and i in all these bad situations, let us live at her friends houses while bad people were there..I felt like she was just putting on a mask, and maybe she was..
It doesn't matter anymore though..She is my mother. My hero. I love her more than i could ever love anyone on this earth. She went through a lot as a child as well, and now having her 4 babies taken from her arms..it is hell for her. She is strong, brave and loving..and i will never look down on her..
I love you mom. Always. Everything happens for some sort of reason or another..and i think this happened for a reason..This changed my life forever in good. Thank you..
I love you mommy..for being my mom. I learned a lot from you, and will continue to do so..Tough times will never break the love we have for each other. I promise.
Love you, mommy. <3
I was raised in more than one environment..Hotels, camping, trailer, a house for about 2 years..a "fixer upper". I was used to not having a dishwater or any water at all. I was used to no electricity and ciphering gas out of other vehicles in the junk yard. It was my life. It was my families life..and i had no complaints.
As i got older, my mother began to date and she had boyfriend on and off. It was nothing new to me. I was the mommas girl out of the three sisters i had, and i loved helping her fix things and go grocery shopping. She was my hero, my love. These boyfriends of hers got in the way often, helping her do things instead of me. So, i decided to get a job at age 11. I started picking blackberries and raspberries and selling them. Business was good for an 11 year old, about $35 a week. Not bad for no bills or responsibilities. I fell in love with it, and ended up spending most of my days in fields picking them while my three sisters went to play with the boys across the field.
I never had friends when i was young really, because i always stayed home and helped my mom. So i had all this time to myself. It was nice, i guess. But, i missed having my mom to myself..bad.
Things went downhill and her boyfriend and her would fight constantly, not doing a good job of hiding it..Then, eventually there would be physical fights, where us girls would get hurt. It was a rough part of my childhood, yes, but i would never ever look down on my mother for it. It was not her fault her boyfriends were crazy and liked to hit, right? It wasn't her fault that she was so in love with them that she let them come back each time, right? Wrong..and it took me 5 years to realize that. 5 years..No longer little Chrissy anymore.
When i think of her i think of all the fun times i had with her. Helping her at roofing jobs and fixing up the cars. I don't think about the boyfriends who hit, the hotels we had to live in, the no electricity so we would go to school with 2 different shoes on. I don't think about the bad..because all the bad is what made me who i am today. All the bad i had to face when i was younger and made such an impact on me, i learn from it each and every day. I know what not to do when my lil' guy comes..i know how to say no, and set boundaries now..
I forgave her..it took so much to do so. I felt like she was a fake, someone who was just pretending to be my hero, yet got my sisters and i in all these bad situations, let us live at her friends houses while bad people were there..I felt like she was just putting on a mask, and maybe she was..
It doesn't matter anymore though..She is my mother. My hero. I love her more than i could ever love anyone on this earth. She went through a lot as a child as well, and now having her 4 babies taken from her arms..it is hell for her. She is strong, brave and loving..and i will never look down on her..
I love you mom. Always. Everything happens for some sort of reason or another..and i think this happened for a reason..This changed my life forever in good. Thank you..
I love you mommy..for being my mom. I learned a lot from you, and will continue to do so..Tough times will never break the love we have for each other. I promise.
Love you, mommy. <3
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Realization.
Today is the first day i have every cried in the shower..
You know when you just start to think about life..all the changes happening?
I started to think in the shower when i saw my pregnant tummy..and started to cry.
My whole life is changed..and in a little over a month i will have a baby to prove it.
I am no longer a little girl who can get away with anything..I am a mommy.
I have responsibilities..and it's so scary.
So many things run through my mind when i think about motherhood.
My mom, Isaiah, will i be a good mom?, the future, God..hope..faith.
I will be the lady in church having to leave every 2 minutes because her little boy is crying, or i will be the one standing by the door rocking him so he won't cry..
Just trying to grasp the thought is hard enough..how will i actually do it?
These thoughts..they run through my head all the time. But i never actually cry over them..just try and think of something else.. But today i did. It was nice to break down a little bit..I am tired of holding it in..
I will be strong..i will. I need hope for the future..a new beginning..
I need to trust in God..why is it so hard??
Elijah William..you're my new beginning.. <3
You know when you just start to think about life..all the changes happening?
I started to think in the shower when i saw my pregnant tummy..and started to cry.
My whole life is changed..and in a little over a month i will have a baby to prove it.
I am no longer a little girl who can get away with anything..I am a mommy.
I have responsibilities..and it's so scary.
So many things run through my mind when i think about motherhood.
My mom, Isaiah, will i be a good mom?, the future, God..hope..faith.
I will be the lady in church having to leave every 2 minutes because her little boy is crying, or i will be the one standing by the door rocking him so he won't cry..
Just trying to grasp the thought is hard enough..how will i actually do it?
These thoughts..they run through my head all the time. But i never actually cry over them..just try and think of something else.. But today i did. It was nice to break down a little bit..I am tired of holding it in..
I will be strong..i will. I need hope for the future..a new beginning..
I need to trust in God..why is it so hard??
Elijah William..you're my new beginning.. <3
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